Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
