**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
