I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
