I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
