I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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