I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
