I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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