I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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