I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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