Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
