dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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