Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
