my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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