If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
