I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Randomize
