Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
