lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize