the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
