Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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