Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
