I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
