I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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