I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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