There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
