farters have to be the big spoon...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How does it feel to date your dad?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
