Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I believe in your delicious
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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