I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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