i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
