: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
