remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
