and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
