Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
