My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
