there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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