Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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