matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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