I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
