The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
