even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
