She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
