Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
