I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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