just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am naked and annoyed.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
