he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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