we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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