either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize