I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
