The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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