just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
