When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
