Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
