I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
