i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
