I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
