Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
