fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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