remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
