Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My balls are so social today.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize