fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My penis needs a shock collar
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
