battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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