Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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