God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
