you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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