i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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