Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
