Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's rum buckets o'clock
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
